Fear

Some of us let fear run our lives. I was raised by someone who feared everything and had no aspirations.

This weekend I went to brunch with said person (my grandmother), my Aunt J, her husband, and of course, Ladybug. I love these people dearly but I'm not sure what planet they're on. Aunt J is all-in-one for me: mother-figure, sister, aunt, friend. She's the closest person to me. However, she is the person in the family who is the perfectionist constantly looking for her mother's approval. In her eyes, her mother (my grandmother) has done no wrongdoing, and will defend her incessantly. In my eyes, my grandmother was afraid of living (and still is). She never encouraged me to do anything and actually, thought extracurricular activities, socializing, and a higher education were all a waste of time.

So at brunch we were talking about how my 18 year-old cousin is succumbing to the pressure of his father to get a job by applying to be a toll booth collector (just like his father, my mother's brother, Uncle V). At dinner I proceeded to express my disappointment in this decision of having no aspirations. And Aunt J says, "I don't know where he gets it from. It's not like we were told we couldn't do anything growing up." Is she crazy? I had no comment at the time but IS SHE CRAZY?

Here's how it went for me:

* "You can't do anything right."
* "Why would you want to join the swim team and wake up early 3x a week before school?"
* "No, you can't join the baseball team."
* "I'll send you to dance school but you're not going to be in the recital."
* She once told the family: "Stacy is not going to apply to any high schools because she won't get in -- she's just an average student."
* "Why do you want to go to college? Just become a secretary like Aunt J."
* "You're just going to college because your boyfriend wants you to."
* "Birthday cakes are for babies. You're big now, you don't need a cake."

So today at 35 years old, I'm still haunted by these words. And I'm still just learning that I can do whatever the hell I want to. When I first got married, I was afraid to make dinner because I never cooked before (I wasn't allowed in the kitchen growing up) and I was afraid to screw it up. Hello?! How else am I going to learn? It's taken me years to realize that even the smallest of failures is a learning experience and it's O-K. I didn't even make my bed growing up because I would never do it good enough.

And it frustrates me that today, Gram barely leaves the house, and has an excuse for why there is nothing in this world that she can do. Television is her only hobby. It infuriates me beyond description. She has fear of change, of failure, of taking a chance, of being less than perfect in anything, and maybe even fear of being happy.