Lessons learned

I have been trying to think of a response to this one for days....

Iris had commented on a previous post that I should find the lesson learned in finding Rose's letter. I still don't know what the lesson is yet but I've done a lot of thinking about why these people are constant recurring characters in my dreams. They are people who were once in my life but are no longer... my therapist says they tap into my "abandonment issues."

The reality about all my past friendships is that I feel they either drifted apart or were broken because of me. I blame myself. And here is where I can go into some rather deep self-loathing about how everything is my fault. hmmm... but maybe this is the lesson. I don't know. Maybe I need to stop blaming myself for every friendship that has passed. Maybe I need to tell myself to stop feeling like a burden to my family and friends, or really try to determine why I put myself in rather compromising positions.... can someone say sabotage??

I wish I knew how to get my former friends out of my dreams but they do really haunt me. And with every dream I'm left with a strange sense of loss. Perhaps it's just a reminder about what I'm missing even in my current relationships. The mind is a complicated place and I'm not even sure if I'm making sense. But it's 1:40am and I can't sleep.

My mind spins and races and runs uncontrollably
My world turns upside down
But my clock still ticks loudly
So here I am trying to make sense of the insanity, while I google to figure out how soon I can take a pregnancy test