Happy New Year

I read these blogs that sound so hopeful for the New Year. Now is a time to reflect on the previous, and look forward to the new. Bah. Humbug.

My wounds run so deep. My anger is buried in passive aggressiveness and my heart aches. Tonight, I simply just want to just pretend my life is something different, like I always do. I want to pretend it's just some random day in July, that we're not "ringing" in anything. I guess I haven't written here because of the pressure to write something hopeful, something promising, something nice. But therealme is not that today. I don't have it in me. I can't even pretend today. I just can't live in denial at the moment. I just want to take my little Ladybug somewhere far away and be happy.

I'm angry at so many for so much for so long. I'm especially hurt because of my current life and the fact that he just has no problem to continue to hurt me and bring me down. If I had a better support system, maybe I could shed this negativity. Rather, he has a magical way of making me feel two inches tall. Where is the truth in my life? What is reality? I try to so hard to make it feel right, feel good. And I just can't get it right when there's someone constantly disrupting my state of... lying to myself.

Some people in my family surround themselves in organization, neatness and cleanliness to hide their true feelings. I, instead, manage to make a 4 ft. pile in every corner of every room and every closet and walk out of here the happiest-go-luckiest-gal on the block. Right. I wonder if I'm really kidding anyone with my cheerful exterior.

I wish I could say Happy New Year. I wish I had the strength to make some major changes in my life. Maybe. Someday. Not sure if it will be in 2007.