Unfullfilled

Being a SAHM has been pretty difficult for me, and I've been doing it for over 2 years now. Now, don't get me wrong -- I am truly thankful that we can afford me to stay home but work was such a big part of my life; work was a big part of my identity.

I worked at a large investment banking firm for 14 years. I started there when I was 19, as a junior secretary and I left there working in Technology/Marketing managing 6 people. The opportunities I was given were amazing, and I was highly regarded and well-respected. I had many hats, many jobs and always excelled. When I left, I was at the pique of my career and hoped to finally make officer status, and become a Vice President. Sadly, I wasn't promoted because of these silly rules about going from a non-exempt to exempt status, and I wasn't eligible. I decided to quit the following June because I was beginning to feel unfulfilled at work since there was this little person waiting for me at home.

I used to work long hours. On one particular project, I worked a few days until 2am. The reward was great recognition and accomplishment, and a trip to an all-day spa treatments at Elizabeth Arden when it was done. Accomplishments were tangible, and projects were seen to an end result. Of course, we all know the accomplishments and satisfaction we get from parenting, but the only tangible projects I have now are finishing all the laundry and cleaning up the basement. B-O-R-I-N-G.

On the flip side, my Ladybug is happy and flourishing. She is a busy 4-year old with school every morning and busy days filled with play dates, swimming lessons, nature club, and gymnastics. But my days sometimes are lonely, isolating and unfulfilling.

I am constantly trying to have that positive self talk about my wondrous days and the fact that I can play tennis on any given Friday morning. And then there are days that I see a pretty dress in the mall that I would've bought for work and I'm almost brought to tears. I feel so fragile sometimes.

So my darling husband decided that he was so mad at me yesterday and left without kissing me good-bye for work (that's always the tip-off that he's upset at something). So I caught him on his way out and he was visibly pissed but just said, "Oh, so you don't know." And we didn't talk all day. I tried to call him twice and he just let his cell go to voicemail. I still don't know what his problem was.

Yesterday, I was trying to hold it together but my mind was elsewhere thinking of my unfulfilled career and my unfulfilled marriage. I actually had to pull over before I picked up Ladybug from school and just get the tears out and over with. I love my husband dearly, more than he cares to know, but one thing we don't have is that we don't get each other. Eleven year later, and there's no synchronisity, no strong bond. He's even more insecure than I am in a lot of ways, and I don't always have it in me to reach out to him and give him what he needs. We have a complicated relationship.

But here I am trying to make sense out of this life and what my purpose is. So I have a couple of new goals: First, after our vacation in March (when the weather here should be warmer), I'm going to start training for my first 3K or 5K race. Second, I'm going to get my Real Estate license. Hopefully, setting these tangible goals will help.

Dirty Laundry

I typically let my dirty laundry sit in the hamper for a long time before I wash it. When I'm low on underwear or clean shirts, I wash clothes. Then the simple thought of folding all of those damn clothes makes me procrastinate, and causes those clean fluffy clothes to get wrinkled and barely presentable. By the time I'm ready to fold them, I have to do an overhaul, take great care, time and effort and put them all away. After this enormous effort and angst, I feel accomplished and I wonder why I didn't do it sooner. And then the cycle continues again at some point.

My dirty laundry is very telling of how I handle my life. I don't want to take care of things when it looks easy. I end up handling things at the last minute or when things get really bad and I'm forced to. By the time I'm ready to clean it all up, it's near disaster. But when I finally do it, it feels damn good and I wonder what took me so long.

I was honored by a comment from my favorite blogger today, Philip. He has inspired me to let it all hang out.

Today, I'm angry for allowing myself to be in a relationship where my spouse just doesn't even like me. And I don't know if he will ever see me for who I truly believe I am. He doesn't see the good in me, only the bad. And he never lets me forget the things he hates about me. I used to believe his tales of lies more than I do now, but it's still hard. I am sad more than I am happy in this relationship.

I'm angry at the fact that my abandonment issues run so deep that it's hard for me to end this relationship. This time, his scornful words came after I said, "Why don't we go to breakfast together?" I was told I was selfish and ungrateful. I was told that I would have been better off with my old boyfriend if he wasn't dead. After we both threatened to break this shambles of a marriage off, I was forced to give him all my credit cards from my wallet because "I can't be trusted." By the next day, we were somehow trying to pull it together, and when he came home from work, he gave me a hug. No words, just a hug. And I almost cried because all I really want is his love. As I write this, it feels so ugly that I can't believe this is my life.

As soon as I'm done here, I am submitting this post before I chicken out. I could just leave it in draft for my own catharsis, but maybe if I see it in print, it'll give me a good shake. Maybe more about my deep rooted anger for another time.

Happy New Year

I read these blogs that sound so hopeful for the New Year. Now is a time to reflect on the previous, and look forward to the new. Bah. Humbug.

My wounds run so deep. My anger is buried in passive aggressiveness and my heart aches. Tonight, I simply just want to just pretend my life is something different, like I always do. I want to pretend it's just some random day in July, that we're not "ringing" in anything. I guess I haven't written here because of the pressure to write something hopeful, something promising, something nice. But therealme is not that today. I don't have it in me. I can't even pretend today. I just can't live in denial at the moment. I just want to take my little Ladybug somewhere far away and be happy.

I'm angry at so many for so much for so long. I'm especially hurt because of my current life and the fact that he just has no problem to continue to hurt me and bring me down. If I had a better support system, maybe I could shed this negativity. Rather, he has a magical way of making me feel two inches tall. Where is the truth in my life? What is reality? I try to so hard to make it feel right, feel good. And I just can't get it right when there's someone constantly disrupting my state of... lying to myself.

Some people in my family surround themselves in organization, neatness and cleanliness to hide their true feelings. I, instead, manage to make a 4 ft. pile in every corner of every room and every closet and walk out of here the happiest-go-luckiest-gal on the block. Right. I wonder if I'm really kidding anyone with my cheerful exterior.

I wish I could say Happy New Year. I wish I had the strength to make some major changes in my life. Maybe. Someday. Not sure if it will be in 2007.