Unfullfilled

Being a SAHM has been pretty difficult for me, and I've been doing it for over 2 years now. Now, don't get me wrong -- I am truly thankful that we can afford me to stay home but work was such a big part of my life; work was a big part of my identity.

I worked at a large investment banking firm for 14 years. I started there when I was 19, as a junior secretary and I left there working in Technology/Marketing managing 6 people. The opportunities I was given were amazing, and I was highly regarded and well-respected. I had many hats, many jobs and always excelled. When I left, I was at the pique of my career and hoped to finally make officer status, and become a Vice President. Sadly, I wasn't promoted because of these silly rules about going from a non-exempt to exempt status, and I wasn't eligible. I decided to quit the following June because I was beginning to feel unfulfilled at work since there was this little person waiting for me at home.

I used to work long hours. On one particular project, I worked a few days until 2am. The reward was great recognition and accomplishment, and a trip to an all-day spa treatments at Elizabeth Arden when it was done. Accomplishments were tangible, and projects were seen to an end result. Of course, we all know the accomplishments and satisfaction we get from parenting, but the only tangible projects I have now are finishing all the laundry and cleaning up the basement. B-O-R-I-N-G.

On the flip side, my Ladybug is happy and flourishing. She is a busy 4-year old with school every morning and busy days filled with play dates, swimming lessons, nature club, and gymnastics. But my days sometimes are lonely, isolating and unfulfilling.

I am constantly trying to have that positive self talk about my wondrous days and the fact that I can play tennis on any given Friday morning. And then there are days that I see a pretty dress in the mall that I would've bought for work and I'm almost brought to tears. I feel so fragile sometimes.

So my darling husband decided that he was so mad at me yesterday and left without kissing me good-bye for work (that's always the tip-off that he's upset at something). So I caught him on his way out and he was visibly pissed but just said, "Oh, so you don't know." And we didn't talk all day. I tried to call him twice and he just let his cell go to voicemail. I still don't know what his problem was.

Yesterday, I was trying to hold it together but my mind was elsewhere thinking of my unfulfilled career and my unfulfilled marriage. I actually had to pull over before I picked up Ladybug from school and just get the tears out and over with. I love my husband dearly, more than he cares to know, but one thing we don't have is that we don't get each other. Eleven year later, and there's no synchronisity, no strong bond. He's even more insecure than I am in a lot of ways, and I don't always have it in me to reach out to him and give him what he needs. We have a complicated relationship.

But here I am trying to make sense out of this life and what my purpose is. So I have a couple of new goals: First, after our vacation in March (when the weather here should be warmer), I'm going to start training for my first 3K or 5K race. Second, I'm going to get my Real Estate license. Hopefully, setting these tangible goals will help.