My Inner Turmoil - Breathe (2am)

I could change the objective of this blog just about every day. Who do I want to be... The happy SAHM content with having my career consist of managing the house and raising my child? The bitter adult who still longs for the love and selflessness my parents should have given to me? The woman who has it all together and just blogs about the funny things and the days where I see things so clearly and can even smell the roses? I'm all of that. I'm none of that.

I have trouble letting people see the real me. Everyone always thinks I'm so sweet and happy. When the truth is I just don't know who I am, where I want to go or who I want to be. I don't know how to make choices or tell people how I feel. I'm afraid of any confrontation, even if it will end up being for the better of the situation. I don't know how to communicate without constantly thinking, "If I do or say this, they won't like me."

I just had an interesting trigger that has me crying and I can't stop. It's so ridiculous but I think it just was the key to open up the floodgates. I have a new personal trainer at the gym. Mike. He seems nice, I guess. Quiet. No conversation in between sets. A little boring. Today, he thought I dropped a weight on purpose. He gave me this big lecture about how I should never throw a weight because I could hurt someone. Meanwhile, I thought he was holding the weight and that's why I let go. The problem is that after he scolded me, I just said ok. I didn't even defend myself. I didn't even say, "I thought you were holding the weight." What does he think I am, a friggin barbarian? First of all, it was a 10 lb. weight. My arms are so skinny and trembling that I let go because I couldn't even hold it up anymore! And I thought he would be there to take it from me. He gave me the cold shoulder after that, which means not only was there no conversation, he wasn't even counting the reps for me anymore because he was pissed.

Does he know who I am?! I thought to myself as I was pulling out of the parking lot? No, of course not. I am upset for so many reasons right now. But it's not about this situation. It's about my life. Well, I have a little time right now, so let me vent. No one reads this friggin blog anyway:

1. I'm mad at the trainer for not realizing that I am a good person who would never intentionally drop a weight. I try my best at all times, dammit.

2. I'm mad at my grandmother for constantly giving advice that's not needed, for parenting my child even when I'm there, and for so many things on so many levels, I may have to spread out my ranting so people don't think I'm a lunatic.

3. I'm mad at my Best Friend for not wanting to spend more time with me unless it's convenient for her, and she doesn't lose any time with her husband. I want to be like Oprah and Gayle for crying out loud and she doesn't. Now she's moving away, and when I call her to tell her how sad I am, she's so nonchalant about it because she just wants to hang up and take a Sunday afternoon nap.

4. I'm mad at my husband for not being my soft place to fall. I feel he just doesn't want to listen to what I really have to say, and never wants to do something for me, with me, that I want to do (like watch a TV show that I like or give Ladybug a bath for me or take a drills session together). He never makes me feel better about my insecurities, he's never compassionate, and will never tell me it's ok and give me a hug. I'm mad at him for his porno collection and for never telling me about his trips to the video store.

5. I'm mad at my mother for not acting like my mother. Just because she allowed her mother to raise me, doesn't mean she should have just signed me over and given up. She tries to be my friend but she just doesn't know how to act like my mother. I love her deeply, and would never want to hurt her but she doesn't realize how much I need her to open up to me and not just talk about general stuff.

6. I'm mad at myself for not having the ability to take charge of my life. I'm mad at my grandmother for not showing me how to take charge. Rather, I'm just like her and have an excuse and a fear for everything. I don't know how to stand up for myself, defend myself, and meet a personal goal.

Well, thank you, The Black Hole of Blogging. And now here are the lyrics to the song that hits so close to home at the moment, Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick, which I will go back to singing at the top of my lungs as my Personal Anthem, after I publish this post:

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes

Like they have any right at all to criticize,

Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

--

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe

Oh breathe, just breathe

--

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss

"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,

"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while

But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles

Wanna hold him.

Maybe I'll just sing about it.

--

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, boys

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,Oh breathe, just breathe

--

There's a light at each end of this tunnel

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

--

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

--

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand.

And breathe, just breathe

woah breathe, just breathe

Oh breathe, just breathe

Oh breathe, just breathe.