The Brother I Didn't Get

I used to think my Mom and her brother (pictured here, circa 1980), were coool people.

Here's a little bit about my story that I have not yet told. My parents had me when they were 19 years old. Being too young and irresponsible, my father cheated on my mother and they broke up when I was about 2. Mom had to go out and get a job full-time to support us... yadda yadda yadda, I end up living with my grandparents when I was about 2 1/2.

At the time I moved into my grandparents' apartment, my Uncle V and Aunt J were still living at home. They were just about 17 and 19 respectively. Although my Uncle was rarely ever home, I idolized him. I thought he was good-looking, cool, and a great guy. For years, I remember pining for his attention by trying to dance with him or even by telling him a dirty joke (that I got in trouble for) when he stopped in quickly to iron a shirt. And I actually remember the one time he took me to the park. I was ecstatic. Maybe I was looking for a father figure, or maybe... just a big brother. We could have had so much potential for a good relationship. For some reason, he was never around and up until now I just chalked it up to being a young adult wanting to party and hang out with his friends.

So he's turning 50 this year. He lives farthest from any of us, and rarely comes to family events. He comes so seldomly that other relatives stopped inviting him... even me. I wonder why he's always kept his distance. I wonder what baggage he carries, what cobwebs are in his suitcase.

I wonder if he's pondering his life as I am pondering my life with him in it, as he turns 50. I've been asked to create a slide-show montage to music for his party (something I've done for past family members). So, now I see his life before me in pictures. As a baby, a pre-teen, a family man. I see his many smiles in these pictures, but have seen few of them in real life. I wonder, if at 50, does he feel complete? Does he feel he has accomplished what he wanted with his life? Does he think he would have made his father proud? I hope so.

I can't help but get emotional when I play his video montage in still an uncompleted state. I'm missing so many pictures from his teens, 20's and 30's. Where did he go? Where has he been? Who is this man who used to sit me on his shoulders while he did his pushups in the living room? My mother has lots of pictures from this time and plans to email them to me.

I see him now a couple of times a year and for the most part, he just looks tired, frustrated, and unfulfilled. He doesn't seem to want to have a good time when he's around us. He would much rather sleep. I wonder why he keeps people so far away from his heart. And I wonder if he has any regrets about not being a big brother to me as I cannot find a single picture of the two of us together.

I'm happy to say that it seems to me that he's always been there for his two sons, now about 17 and 12. He's been very active in their lives and caretaking. Admittedly, I'm a little jealous, even now at 35. Somehow I always end up feeling the way I did when I was a little girl.

Anyway, the song I've chosen for his montage will be The Riddle by Five for Fighting. The "You and I" in this song can be translated into so many people: father and son, husband and wife, for anyone who loves another and is looking for the answer to the meaning of life.

http://www.myspace.com/fiveforfighting

The Riddle

by Five for Fighting

There was a man back in '95

Whose heart ran out of summers

But before he died, I asked him
Wait, what's the sense in life

Come over me, Come over me

He said,
"Son why you got to sing that tune

Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon

Let an angel swing and make you swoon

Then you will see... You will see."

Then he said,
"Here's a riddle for you

Find the Answer

There's a reason for the world

You and I..."

Picked up my kid from school today

Did you learn anything cause in the world today

You can't live in a castle far away

Now talk to me, come talk to me

He said,
"Dad I'm big but we're smaller than small

In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all

Still every mother's child sings a lonely song

So play with me, come play with me"

And Hey Dad

Here's a riddle for you

Find the Answer

There's a reason for the world

You and I...

I said,
"Son for all I've told you

When you get right down to the

Reason for the world...Who am I?"

There are secrets that we still have left to find

There have been mysteries from the beginning of time

There are answers we're not wise enough to see

He said... You looking for a clue I Love You free...

The batter swings and the summer flies

As I look into my angel's eyes

A song plays on while the moon is hiding over me

Something comes over me

I guess we're big and I guess we're small

If you think about it man you know we got it all

Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball

And I love you free

I love you freely

Here's a riddle for you

Find the Answer

There's a reason for the world

You and I...