Friendship

"A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."

- Arabian Proverb

I dream constantly. I always remember my dreams, some of them in great detail with even sounds and smells, some of them so cryptic I can't even describe. But I actually love to dream, I enjoy it. In a way, I discover more about my feelings, and which feelings are strong enough for me to have in a dream.

Last night I dreamt of my old job and my BFF. I worked at an investment banking firm (let's call it Mitchell and Family) for 14 years until I quit to become a SAHM. I was at the pique of my career but felt like something was not right because I had this little girl waiting for me at home. When my husband got a promotion and big raise, we decided to give SAHMotherhood a try. I started at Mitchell and Family when I was just 19, so I feel I truly grew up there. I was well-respected and had been given some good opportunities. I was loyal. I also worked a lot of hours, sometimes if it were a big project, I'd work into the wee hours. I defined a lot of myself with this job. I was proud of myself. And it's actually been a bit of a struggle for me to adjust to "just" managing the house and caring for my daughter. Therefore, I dream a lot about work.

I also met my BFF at work about... hmmm... 15 years ago. She's from Toronto and eventually moved back there after about 3 years of living here (the first time). However, we kept in touch and stayed pretty close. I would visit her a couple times a year, she was Maid of Honor at my wedding. I felt that from the bottom of my soul, she was one of the few people to GET me and accept me for who I am. I could tell her anything and she was always so great at listening and giving advice. And admittedly, she was sort of a mother figure for me. She has two children who are in their 20s now, about 8 and 11 years younger than me and they're great kids. They are the kind of kids I would hope my children grow up to be someday.

About 6 years ago, Boogies (our nickname for each other) decided to move back to NY. I was thrilled. I thought our friendship would grow even more. And it just so happened that she was going to live very close to the neighborhood where I grew up. Unfortunately, I had just bought a house and was moving out to Queens, but I thought that would be no big deal since we had so many miles in between us before.

So Boogies settled in, and so did I, into our own lives. As it turns out, I think I see her less than when she lived in Canada. And the time has come to where she and her husband have decided to move back once again. The more I think about it, the more heartbroken I become. I thought we would be Two Peas in a Pod, inseparable. I thought we would know each other's daily lives and talk endlessly. I thought we would be going to the beach together, go shopping together, go to brunch together. But it didn't happen. And I'm not blaming her completely for it... we both always have some kind of excuse. And maybe my expectations are that of a little 12 year-old girl.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I feel like I see this so clearly now after I let 6 years go by. So, I called her a couple of weeks ago on the weekend to share my feelings. And she was uninterested, and said she was ready to take a Sunday afternoon nap. That hurt. I wanted her to feel the same way. And I thought we would have gotten together already, to chat, "to have tea." I wanted to talk about it for an hour, get teary together, laugh about it, and plan for our next meeting.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what happened in my dream. It was cryptic and weird just like all the others, but it was really about two of the losses I'm feeling right now: a career and identity of myself I left behind, and a friendship that had so much potential but just didn't bloom.