People come in and out...

My husband always tells me, "People are going to come in and out of your lives." I hate it when he says that.

He says I hate it because I don't want to hear the truth. YEAH... so what?! Maybe I don't. I don't like when people come in and especially OUT of my life. It bugs me. And here I sit mourning the loss of a friend whom I feel has one foot out the door.

My best friend and I have been close for over 15 years. We worked side-by-side together, I was 19 and she was 31 when we met. I was a kid and she was a mother of two: an 11-year old girl and 13-year old boy. We clicked instantly and had lots of fun together. But looking back on it now, the roles were that I was The Kid and she was The Adult. I lived at home and had long-term boyfriend. She was a real adult who did her own laundry, paid her own bills, cared for her own children. But I loved to hang out at her house. I would even offer to help her do her laundry and loved to stay over for dinner. There I was, searching for that mother figure.

Anyway, our friendship had stood the test of time, even when she moved back to Toronto about four years later. I would visit a few times a year. I loved to visit her, to escape my own life, to enter hers. I loved the inquisitive questions she would ask me and the interest she had in the goings on of my life. I never had someone who cared so much.

Now, time has gone by and I'm a full-fledged adult doing my own laundry, paying my own bills and caring for my own child. And she's got an empty nest, trying to make a go at a good career, very secure in her marriage... and living back in NYC.

But my life now is complicated, not always fun and seems to be always problematic. I'm not that little girl who used to run to her in Toronto for a few days of solace. I have nowhere to run, and feel unable to anyway because of my attachments here. She can't save me, protect me, mother me. And I sense that she's frustrated.

I've told her once before, that no matter what she would ask of me, I would do it. But I know, in turn, she will not. She will not drive to my house on the traffic-jammed LIE to babysit just because I would prefer to have my child in her own bed, on time. She wants me to be less rigid sometimes, more rigid others, and definitely, a stronger person all the time.

But also, I'm not who I was. And I'm not who she wants me to be. And I almost feel apologetic for that. I just wish our connection could always remain the same, even if we change. I don't feel accepted by her anymore. Rather, I feel judged and constantly rejected. I never thought I would.

We're supposed to meet for lunch on Friday in the city. I feel that for the sake of our relationship, I need to confront this problem head on. It's my only chance to save us. But my fear is that her other foot will meet the one that is already out the door.