Confessions for my dear brother

My half-brother, "A," is in high school. He is a great kid, mild mannered, pretty quiet and slightly introverted. He doesn't have a lot of friends. He spends most of his time with his mother and his two little nephews. He doesn't go out much but sometimes my father's brother or sister will take him and he'll spend the day or weekend with them. But not with me. Sadly, that's my... choice. Not because I don't like him or anything silly like that, but I have so much anger, resentment and disappointment towards my father that I just can't get past it. "A" is just a victim of my circumstance and he doesn't even know it.

Many times I've thought to myself, "Why should I make an effort with him when my father never made an effort with me." That sounds so horrible, evil and just wrong. And it's in my thoughts.

I actually avoided A's calls this weekend because I didn't want to spend time with him. "Why does he always call me last minute?!" is the only excuse I can come up with.

I wish I could say I'm sorry to him. But the problem is, I can't promise I won't do it again. I wish he didn't like me or look up to me or even call me "sister." I don't want that job. I'm bad at it. I just don't want to take part in my father's dysfunctional, crazy family when I've got my own to deal with. One is enough!

I wish I could somehow make "A" understand how I feel but to be honest, I know my behavior towards him is inexcusable. I'm always jumping on my soap box saying how my father just didn't even seem to make it right with him, to kind of make up for the nonexistent father he was to me. But here I am blowing off this little boy. This innocent kid.

"A," I am so sorry I'm not a better sister. Your father is a jerk and I shouldn't blame you for it. I don't know how to get past this. I can't even make a promise to try. I do love you but my feelings are so complicated that I'm afraid to show you that I do for fear of getting closer to Dad. Whenever I find myself getting closer to him, he does something to disappoint me. I'm protecting myself but I'm hurting you, my dear brother. I really am sorry.