Christmas Favorites

This list is a hodge-podge of my favorite things about Christmas, consisting of events, traditions, nostalgia and things that make me smile:

1. Seeing the magic of Santa on Christmas morning
2. My Johnny Mathis' Christmas CD
3. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
4. The Grinch
5. Visiting my Aunt P's house and remembering the great Christmases spent with my cousins in that basement
6. The Sound of Music on TV (it was on last night!)
7. A Christmas Story ("I double-dog dare you!")
8. Charlie Brown Christmas
9. Putting my keepsake ornaments on the tree
10. The smell of pine in the air

Happy Holidays!

10 Weird Things About Me

Unlike Iris, I think I am totally weird. I enjoy being weird. To some degree, I am only closet weird. I don't want anyone to know how weird I am. But what the hell, my user id IS livewithrealme, isn't it?? Here goes:

1. I love when my cat licks my eyelashes. She's done it ever since she was a kitten (she's 11 now), and only does it to me. She doesn't do it as often as she used to but I think this kitty of mine truly thinks I'm her mommy. I love how she wakes me up this way and we cuddle.

2. Knishes with mayonnaise and a pastrami sandwich with mayonnaise and are a perfect combination. For those living outside of NYC, a knish is a small, square of dough stuffed with mashed potato and either baked or deep fried. Both the knish and pastrami are NEVER dressed with anything but mustard. Not for me. I like them, love them, with mayo.

3. I fart whenever I'm in a card store. I don't know why. First of all, it always takes me a minimum of 20 mins. to pick out a single card. I love giving cards but I'm extremely picky. Something about standing still in front of them makes me break wind and I can't help it. I can't even hold back. Smell something funny in the card aisle? Yeah, that was me. There I said it.

4. My husband always says I'm messy; I've got piles everywhere of papers, old clothes to give away, and I can never find anything. But the weird part of it is, look in my drawers and all my clothes are always neatly folded, organized and stacked. Socks, underwear and bras included... especially! I've got priorities, ya know?!

5. I love to color in my daughters coloring books. Ladybug is going on 4 soon and just learning how to keep it in the lines. Whenever I sit down and color with her, I have to finish the entire picture. My only form of artistic ability.

6. I love to go to open houses just to see how people live. I do enjoy the real estate market (even worked in an office for a few months until my dh decided he couldn't handle it on the weekends without me). And at some point in the next year or two, we would like to move to a bigger house so I just use the excuse that I'm doing research. But the truth is, I love to see how people decorate, sleep and organize their own lives. I find it fascinating. On Sundays, Ladybug and I will be driving and she already knows the signs with the balloons mean we are welcome to browse, "Wanna go to that open house, Mommy?" And in we go.

7. I have a terrible habit of buying people gifts and never giving them. It's a sickness, I think. I especially do this to my parents. And I never return them. I either regift, save until the next year or sell it on eBay. If you don't get a gift receipt from me, it's probably because I actually bought it 8 months ago.

8. I occasionally binge on a combination of chocolate chip cookies (or anything chocolatey) and potato chips with a glass of milk. Alternate sweet and salty... yum! Also popcorn and plain potato chips in a single bite are heavenly!!

9. Something no one, NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON knows about me is that I smoke about 3 cigarettes a month. I've snuck a cig here and there throughout my life since I was about 12 years old. When I was in high school, I used to pick the butts up from the sidewalk and take a drag (I'd somehow have a match or two on me). Now a pack of cigs lasts me almost a year. I'll sit on the deck in my backyard, smoke one and actually get high from the nicotine. I am clearly not addicted -- I can go any long period of time without a drag (like when I was pregnant). I think it's some sort of weird rebellion.

10. I love to cry at movies and at TV shows. Extreme Home Makeover -- fuggeddaboutit! The Biggest Loser -- oy vey! Hallmark commercials -- bring 'em on!

So there. I feel like I've confessed my deepest weirdisms! Are ya still with me?

Labels

I recently came across a blog, imperfect perfections, that inspired this post. What are the labels that I've assigned to myself? What labels to I allow be put on me? Some of the general labels I identify myself with are:

Mother
Wife
Daughter
Little Girl

The negative labels I identify myself with are:

Disorganized
Procrastinator
Slothy
Tries too hard
Bad skin
Aging ungracefully
Used to be pretty
Sucker
Door mat
Weak

Then there are the labels that others may put upon us. In a sense, they may sometimes be completely different than we see ourselves, whether positive or negative. I think labels are a very complicated thing for this reason. I also think whatever labels others put upon us, we allow to some degree. From the list below, I will explain. Below are the labels I feel others put upon me:

Sweet
Kind
Generous
Unconfident
Scatter-brained
Thoughtful
Ungrateful
Organized
Bitch
Selfish
Independent
Leader
Smart
Confident
Self-sufficient

As the chairperson of my daughter's PTA and as anyone's Friend, I portray someone who is a Leader, Confident and Organized. As my role of Little Girl in my family, I am Disorganized, Scatter-Brained, and Unconfident. It's very difficult to shed this identity in my family. My dh thinks I enforce these identities on them by my actions. To an extent, I think he's right.

My dh is the one who calls me some of the worst ones in the above list. And to be honest, I've never been called those things ever in my life. In fact, always the exact opposite. What does he see in me that others do not? Is he just projecting some weird emotions and identity onto me (he was physically and emotionally abused as a child) or is he the only one that sees the real me? I believe in my heart that it's the former and not the latter, however, there is a part of me that sometimes struggles with this.

Obviously, the ones I want to shed all of the negative labels, especially Ungrateful, Bitch and Selfish, but how far do I really want to go to try? Should I just allow someone, especially my partner, to think of me in this way even if I truly don't believe it myself?

My confidence has definitely grown over the years, however, I don't know if I'll ever shed my own major identity as The Little Girl Who Was Abandoned By Her Parents Who Just Wants Everyone to Like Her.

Positive labels I truly believe about myself:

Kind
Thoughtful
Empathetic
Compassionate
Obsessive
Spontaneous
Adventurous
Outgoing
Shy
Good mother
Good at sports
Analytic

Thanks for the inspiration, Iris. I hope I was as clear as you in answering these questions.

How to Save a Life

Sometimes I love a CD because of the funky beat or the beautiful singing. But my favorite CDs are because of its prose, its deep, raw feelings that come out and inspire me to think about my life, where I've been, where I'm going. My rule of thumb is to not buy an entire CD until I hear at least two songs that I like. So far, Over My Head and How to Save a Life have struck that cord in me, so I bought it on iTunes today. Looking forward to hearing the rest of the songs.

How to Save a Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

My Book Club - The Kite Runner

One of the great benefits of being a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) is that I've met some great women in the neighborhood, and we've formed a Book Club. It's interesting how a lot of the moms are like me, career-oriented women who like to use their heads and not only do housework, and truly enjoy this outlet. We read (which is something we haven't done in awhile), then analyze and discuss a book over cocktails. It's a perfect combination -- new friends, intelligent conversation, no kids and a little libation!

Our third book, The Kite Runner, is a good one. I'm only about 30 pages in but I'm already looking forward to the next meeting! If there are any moms out there reading this blog, I highly recommend creating a book club in your community!

Happy Birthday, D

Today is my old friend D's 35th birthday. Well, we're actually not really friends anymore. But like all my other estranged friends, I always think about her.

D and I met in high school back in the late 80's. She seemed quiet and a bit shy, just like me. She became part of my H.S. circle. Then something happened to her between junior and senior year. Her hair skyrocketed with lots of hairspray and she wore heavy makeup, lost some weight and always wore tight clothes. It was a fascinating transformation. She became a bit louder, more boisterous, more outgoing. I think her summer weight loss started this transformation and her attitude came along with it. Even at 16, she was cynical and condescending. But I liked her. She was kind of like my alter-ego. "I hate everyone" was her mantra, and she always wore that quote as a clear expression on her face.

We were friends for a long time after high school. We both went straight to work after high school. She ended up going to secretarial school after getting fired from her first job. I'm sure a lot of that termination had to do with her attitude and low-cut raunchy clothing in a professional environment. We would go out every weekend to bars and clubs, mostly in Brooklyn, sometimes in Manhattan. Oh, and her clubwear was barely there every weekend -- she would wear a sequined bra with a sheer shirt barely over it, and bicycle pants (what can I tell you -- it was the early 90's!). She danced as if she were on MTV and she loved all the attention she got, and so did I. It was a funny way of getting attention myself. The guys would come over and talk to her and one of their friends would always say, "How did YOU two become friends." "Opposites attract," we would always say. We got lots of free drinks and rides home.

I had a boyfriend at the time and was completely faithful, although I accepted the drinks and the rides. But looking back at that time now, I was sooooooooo quiet -- practically mute. I was so painfully shy that I was afraid to even open my mouth for fear of scaring people away. I would let her do all the talking and I would just smile and laugh. She would eventually complain to me that I looked uninterested and bored, and sometimes I was. I really just wanted to go out and dance. But we had our fun, and she often met a guy that she would date for awhile.

Anyway, our friendship ended twice, the second time seems to have been the final. She was such a high maintenance friend. She always needed advice, needed to analyze a guy's every move, was extremely jealous and insecure. Her makeup, big hair and attitude was just a front for the fearful scared little girl inside -- pretty much just like her alter-ego... me. I was her rock, her confidant, her voice of reason.

I felt like I had to convince her that she was worthy, that the guy really liked her, that she was a good person underneath it all. And I actually liked playing that role. I felt like the adult in the relationship. I felt like I had something to give to her -- my sanity, my logic, my responsibility at a young age to hold a job, buy my own car (with ALL my own money at 19), and to have a long-term boyfriend. She made me feel like I had it all together. Weird. Yin and yang.

Then four of us went on vacation to Cancun, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I think we were about 21, and spending an entire week with her was exhausting. Her bossiness was uncontrollable and she was obsessed about trying to find a guy on this vacation. Everything we did had to be around her finding a guy. And as it turned out, our friend T (who I will discuss at a later date) found a great guy -- unfortunately, she was practically engaged and this guy lived in Florida! But in any event, D was really jealous of this. T would ask me to hang out with her and this guy's friend, so I did. I was not attracted to this guy whatsoever, and extremely disinterested but it was better than following D around like the puppy dog I had become to her. So D and her other friend were together, and T and myself. We didn't speak for about two years after that vacation.

I called D after my boyfriend was killed. I had the urge to speak to her for so long, and this tragic event made me need her. Unfortunately, at the same time I called her, she and her long-term boyfriend of about a year and a half, were breaking up. Her focus was hardly on my and my tragedy but I still accepted it. But there I was again, holding her up, talking her down from insanity, and trying to keep her on the ground. She was practically suicidal during this breakup -- she even stalked this guy and broke into his house once.

Time went by and I met a guy (my dh, actually). He was exactly what I needed, and he didn't like my friend D at all. He couldn't see the good in her, as many people couldn't. He is what made me distance myself from her once again, and then finally, I just didn't show up. I was supposed to pick her up to go somewhere (of course, she didn't drive so I drove her everywhere) and I just changed my mind and didn't go. I didn't even call her to cancel, and we haven't spoken since. That was about 8 or 9 years ago.

So that's the long story. And still, every year on her birthday, I wonder what she's doing and I long to talk to her. Maybe it's just my own insanity, but I have a hard time letting go. So anyway, Happy Birthday, D -- wherever you are. Hopefully, you are well and healthy and in a good place with your life.