Happy Birthday, D

Today is my old friend D's 35th birthday. Well, we're actually not really friends anymore. But like all my other estranged friends, I always think about her.

D and I met in high school back in the late 80's. She seemed quiet and a bit shy, just like me. She became part of my H.S. circle. Then something happened to her between junior and senior year. Her hair skyrocketed with lots of hairspray and she wore heavy makeup, lost some weight and always wore tight clothes. It was a fascinating transformation. She became a bit louder, more boisterous, more outgoing. I think her summer weight loss started this transformation and her attitude came along with it. Even at 16, she was cynical and condescending. But I liked her. She was kind of like my alter-ego. "I hate everyone" was her mantra, and she always wore that quote as a clear expression on her face.

We were friends for a long time after high school. We both went straight to work after high school. She ended up going to secretarial school after getting fired from her first job. I'm sure a lot of that termination had to do with her attitude and low-cut raunchy clothing in a professional environment. We would go out every weekend to bars and clubs, mostly in Brooklyn, sometimes in Manhattan. Oh, and her clubwear was barely there every weekend -- she would wear a sequined bra with a sheer shirt barely over it, and bicycle pants (what can I tell you -- it was the early 90's!). She danced as if she were on MTV and she loved all the attention she got, and so did I. It was a funny way of getting attention myself. The guys would come over and talk to her and one of their friends would always say, "How did YOU two become friends." "Opposites attract," we would always say. We got lots of free drinks and rides home.

I had a boyfriend at the time and was completely faithful, although I accepted the drinks and the rides. But looking back at that time now, I was sooooooooo quiet -- practically mute. I was so painfully shy that I was afraid to even open my mouth for fear of scaring people away. I would let her do all the talking and I would just smile and laugh. She would eventually complain to me that I looked uninterested and bored, and sometimes I was. I really just wanted to go out and dance. But we had our fun, and she often met a guy that she would date for awhile.

Anyway, our friendship ended twice, the second time seems to have been the final. She was such a high maintenance friend. She always needed advice, needed to analyze a guy's every move, was extremely jealous and insecure. Her makeup, big hair and attitude was just a front for the fearful scared little girl inside -- pretty much just like her alter-ego... me. I was her rock, her confidant, her voice of reason.

I felt like I had to convince her that she was worthy, that the guy really liked her, that she was a good person underneath it all. And I actually liked playing that role. I felt like the adult in the relationship. I felt like I had something to give to her -- my sanity, my logic, my responsibility at a young age to hold a job, buy my own car (with ALL my own money at 19), and to have a long-term boyfriend. She made me feel like I had it all together. Weird. Yin and yang.

Then four of us went on vacation to Cancun, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I think we were about 21, and spending an entire week with her was exhausting. Her bossiness was uncontrollable and she was obsessed about trying to find a guy on this vacation. Everything we did had to be around her finding a guy. And as it turned out, our friend T (who I will discuss at a later date) found a great guy -- unfortunately, she was practically engaged and this guy lived in Florida! But in any event, D was really jealous of this. T would ask me to hang out with her and this guy's friend, so I did. I was not attracted to this guy whatsoever, and extremely disinterested but it was better than following D around like the puppy dog I had become to her. So D and her other friend were together, and T and myself. We didn't speak for about two years after that vacation.

I called D after my boyfriend was killed. I had the urge to speak to her for so long, and this tragic event made me need her. Unfortunately, at the same time I called her, she and her long-term boyfriend of about a year and a half, were breaking up. Her focus was hardly on my and my tragedy but I still accepted it. But there I was again, holding her up, talking her down from insanity, and trying to keep her on the ground. She was practically suicidal during this breakup -- she even stalked this guy and broke into his house once.

Time went by and I met a guy (my dh, actually). He was exactly what I needed, and he didn't like my friend D at all. He couldn't see the good in her, as many people couldn't. He is what made me distance myself from her once again, and then finally, I just didn't show up. I was supposed to pick her up to go somewhere (of course, she didn't drive so I drove her everywhere) and I just changed my mind and didn't go. I didn't even call her to cancel, and we haven't spoken since. That was about 8 or 9 years ago.

So that's the long story. And still, every year on her birthday, I wonder what she's doing and I long to talk to her. Maybe it's just my own insanity, but I have a hard time letting go. So anyway, Happy Birthday, D -- wherever you are. Hopefully, you are well and healthy and in a good place with your life.