Mourning a Loss

I still felt something going on between my bff and me. Something is not right and there's a certain distance that I can't bear anymore. So this morning I sent her this poem I quickly wrote:

Mourning a Loss

I couldn’t fall asleep last night
After I was interrupted by a pitter of little feet approaching
And then the sound of snoring softly next to me
My love

Then I couldn’t shake
The dream that was interrupted
Where I was with you and your family
In the big red living room
Sipping tea

I’ve mourned a lot in my lifetime
And now I know what it is when I’m going through it
The five stages
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

The grieving is for the loss of you
Somewhere along the way
Maybe I’ve said confessed too much
And scared you away

As I bargain with you here I say
I’m sorry and whatever I’ve done I can fix
Can’t I?
I’m sorry I am no longer a part of your world
Like I used to be when you were hundreds of miles away

If you are my sister
Than we can have a bump in the road
Go back, dig it up
And then pave it smooth
In this case I hope that water is thicker than blood

I feel like we are in two different worlds
Although I might be without food, water or sunlight
I’m never without hope
But I think you just want me to get on that spaceship
And fly away

I’m sorry if I’ve said things to make you run
I’m sorry if I’ve done things to bring us further apart
To downgrade our talks to the weather
And not about every detail of our lives

There are so many times I feel the distance
It weakens me, it overcomes me, it hurts
The disappointment only gets worse
And now I expect it

Maybe I’m still in denial
And all good things come to an end
Sometimes these stages intertwine
And only time can pull me out

So today I want no promises
No denial
I don’t want to see any defenses
No gloves up, no boxing match
I just want to pave the road
And see where it leads

Challah bread

My daughter attends nursery school at a YMHA -- the Village People spoke about the "Christian" sector, this is the "Hebrew" one -- I wonder if maybe Adam Sandler can come up with a parody.

We're Catholic but I love exposing Samantha to other religions, cultures, traditions and ways of life. Part of the reason why I love New York City is because of it's diversity.

Anyway, I think this nursery program is great -- she attends 5 days a week for almost 3 hours each day -- and she loves it. I didn't even blink when they told me they were going to learn a little bit about the Jewish traditions in this class. So every Friday, they observe Shabbat and light a candle. This week one of the teachers had made some Challah bread. I love any kind of bread, and I first tasted this when a friend of mine at work brought some in years ago. The light sweet taste of this fluffy bread is extremely yummy...

So as we're driving home from school, Ladybug takes it out of her bag. "Look what I got, Mommy!" I turn around and see a piece of the yummy bread in a plastic bag. "Ooooh, I love that bread! Do you know what kind it is?" I ask. "Yeah," she says, "It's Halloween bread!"

Fear

Some of us let fear run our lives. I was raised by someone who feared everything and had no aspirations.

This weekend I went to brunch with said person (my grandmother), my Aunt J, her husband, and of course, Ladybug. I love these people dearly but I'm not sure what planet they're on. Aunt J is all-in-one for me: mother-figure, sister, aunt, friend. She's the closest person to me. However, she is the person in the family who is the perfectionist constantly looking for her mother's approval. In her eyes, her mother (my grandmother) has done no wrongdoing, and will defend her incessantly. In my eyes, my grandmother was afraid of living (and still is). She never encouraged me to do anything and actually, thought extracurricular activities, socializing, and a higher education were all a waste of time.

So at brunch we were talking about how my 18 year-old cousin is succumbing to the pressure of his father to get a job by applying to be a toll booth collector (just like his father, my mother's brother, Uncle V). At dinner I proceeded to express my disappointment in this decision of having no aspirations. And Aunt J says, "I don't know where he gets it from. It's not like we were told we couldn't do anything growing up." Is she crazy? I had no comment at the time but IS SHE CRAZY?

Here's how it went for me:

* "You can't do anything right."
* "Why would you want to join the swim team and wake up early 3x a week before school?"
* "No, you can't join the baseball team."
* "I'll send you to dance school but you're not going to be in the recital."
* She once told the family: "Stacy is not going to apply to any high schools because she won't get in -- she's just an average student."
* "Why do you want to go to college? Just become a secretary like Aunt J."
* "You're just going to college because your boyfriend wants you to."
* "Birthday cakes are for babies. You're big now, you don't need a cake."

So today at 35 years old, I'm still haunted by these words. And I'm still just learning that I can do whatever the hell I want to. When I first got married, I was afraid to make dinner because I never cooked before (I wasn't allowed in the kitchen growing up) and I was afraid to screw it up. Hello?! How else am I going to learn? It's taken me years to realize that even the smallest of failures is a learning experience and it's O-K. I didn't even make my bed growing up because I would never do it good enough.

And it frustrates me that today, Gram barely leaves the house, and has an excuse for why there is nothing in this world that she can do. Television is her only hobby. It infuriates me beyond description. She has fear of change, of failure, of taking a chance, of being less than perfect in anything, and maybe even fear of being happy.

The Departed

Jack Nicholson. Leonardo DiCaprio. Matt Damon. Mark Wahlberg. Martin Sheen. Alec Baldwin. Martin Scorsese. Best movie I've seen in years!

Read a review. Go see it!

Aspirations

as·pi·ra·tion : noun : a strong desire to achieve something high or great; b : an object of such desire.

Some aspire to be superheroes. They want to make a difference not only to the people around us but to the world. Some aspire to excel at their careers, at their sport, at anything they do. Some aspire to be in the history books. To discover, to create, to achieve greatness.

Some aspire to do well and perhaps not achieve superhero-greatness but just be great in their own lives: aspire to be a good friend, a good son/daughter, a good parent, husband/wife, bill payer, house keeper, etc.

Some have no aspirations. Maybe they have dreams but don't feel them to be attainable. Maybe they stopped aspiring because of all the failure in their lives. Maybe they were taught that success just happens to other people -- the lucky people. I think a lot of people live with the aspiration that you should skate through life without working hard. And those are the people who wonder why they weren't selected in this World of Luck and Chance to be the The Chosen One.

What are your aspirations? Who do you want to be? What do you want to achieve, and are you doing it? Are you on the right track? If not, how can you get there?

Currently, I aspire to be a good mother who will have a long-lasting close relationship with my daughter. I aspire to be the parent that my child can come to for advice, friendship and a soft place to fall. I aspire to create a well-rounded child who is compassionate, strong-willed and driven. I aspire to teach my child that they sky is the limit and that failure is just a part of the lesson. I aspire to be a good tennis player that can win a local tournament or two (I've got a long way to go for that!). I aspire to be a good wife. And I will never aspire to being a good housekeeper (sorry, dear husband, but I hope you can realize the difference.)

Perhaps you can share with me what your aspirations are right at this moment and if you feel you are achieving them. And if not, perhaps you should tweek your aspirations to be achievable for you. Dream. Aspire. Live.

Happy Kids, Messy Pumpkins

The kids had a great time making a mess of their pumpkins (my Ladybug is the one in the lime green shirt). I've become pretty close friends with the moms and they've been so supportive to me -- I am so thankful. And I had a great time trying to get a handle on the insanity and organize lunch and make pumpkin bread all at the same time. Multi-tasking is a great way to keep the mind occupied. It was a blast.

Make it a Good Day Today

When I'm a bit down, I find it hard to admit it but then I end up not leaving the house. My husband points this out to me, and then I realize that maybe I am not doing as good as I thought since I haven't really left the house since Thursday.

So, today, I'm going to turn it around. I'm going to run a couple of errands and buy some pumpkins for me and Ladybug to decorate for Halloween. I'm going to go to the grocery store, buy those cute carvers and funny faces and maybe invite some friends over. It's going to be in the high 70s today, so we can do this outside in the backyard and make a big mess on the deck. Maybe I should unload all those Disney pictures from the camera today and take some pictures...

So, whatever you do today, make it a good day... just for me, 'k? Even if you're a working stiff (like I used to be), take a few minutes and take a walk, buy yourself a great book to read on the way home, listen to your favorite tunes, whatever it is that gives you comfort and makes you feel like this is the reason why you're in this world...

And if you feel like it, take a quick visit to Three Beautiful Things for some inspiration; it definitely helped me this morning.

If I Ain't Got You

Just some feel good music. This is one of my favorite songs of all time.

The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Rule of the First Trimester

We have so many unwritten rules in our society and various cultures. I am someone who frequently goes along with tradition and these "rules" but sometimes I question or challenge them -- I mean, who doesn't? And why not?

For example, I went against the rule that you must wear your Engagement-Ring-and-Wedding-Band-on-the-Same-Finger Rule and wore one ring on each ring finger. Some people were like, "Why would you do that?!" Umm, "Because I want to" was a sufficient answer for me. I also go against the Dont-Eat-Meat-on-Fridays-During-Lent Rule of the Catholic religion. And there are these weird Catholics (who only on occasion go to church) but for some reason eating meat is a cardinal sin in their books. I guess we all have our own rule books.

Just recently, I thought I learned the hard way that I should not have gone against the rule of Dont-Ask-Dont-Tell-About-Your-Pregnancy-in-the-First-Trimester. I told everyone just after I took a home pregnancy test. I was happy for crying out loud!! And I thought that since I had a successful pregnancy the first time, there would be no problems this time. I was wrong, and sadly, I miscarried.

The first thing I thought was that I would never tell anyone before 12 weeks again. How stupid could I have been? Now I have to go back and tell the world that I lost my pregnancy. So, the next day, I woke up and sent out emails and called people and cried a little.

Now, two days later, I've realized that there's this secret world of lost pregnancies and of women who cry alone... or just with their husbands. I've heard more about miscarriages and bad outcomes from friends and family I didn't even know about. To be honest, I feel better. I feel more supported. And I feel blessed because my situation isn't as bad as some of the other stories I've heard.

So today, I'm changing my position... slightly. While I'm not going to holler from the rooftops like I did with this pregnancy, next time, I'm going to tell a more selected group. I'm still going to tell the friends and family who I feel a connection to, who have shared their stories, who I have something in common with. People don't get closer, more intimate with each other unless we share our difficult times, our experiences that leave us a little more vulnerable.

I initially created this blog because I felt I didn't have an outlet to tell people how I really felt -- why not? Because in some way, I didn't want to get let down, get hurt, get rejected. But the more I open up and say what my heart feels I find the more others will reciprocate. I'm learning that it's the only way to build real relationships.

Spontaneous Abortion

That's what they call it when you have a miscarriage. Doesn't that sound a little harsh? I was only 6 weeks pregnant and only knew I was for the past two weeks. These past two weeks have been fun, though... daydreaming about baby, etc.

It's a strange thing. After I felt that I knew what happened, I dropped My Little Ladybug off with a friend and rushed to the emergency room. Some emergency. I sat there for two hours in the waiting room. The emergency room was so crowded and they only had two rooms with sonogram machines there, so I sat and waited. I guess I didn't understand that I really didn't have an emergency since the miscarriage had already happened. It was a tough day.

Thankfully, though, I had no cramping at all. None. It was really weird. Even with the spotting I had for days, I kept reading and hearing that I shouldn't be alarmed unless I had some cramping. I even had a successful sonogram with my doctor yesterday, who said everything looked fine. It just wasn't my time. The best thing I read on the internet (and the doctors told me at the hospital as well) is that a miscarriage is a way of dispelling an abnormal pregnancy.

Unfortunately, I told the world that I was pregnant. Friends, family, everyone. I guess I learned the hard way not to tell anyone about a pregnancy in the first trimester. I was thinking that my first pregnancy went without a hitch, so why would this one be a problem? Little did I know.

I found this article about miscarriages, and I actually found it quite comforting and informative. We'll certainly be trying again once my body is up to it.

What to Expect -- Why Pregnancies Come to an Unexpected End

Good-bye, Fat Cat

We had to put my cat down on Sunday morning. I'm not one of those crazy bloggers who themes their site on a lovable cat or dog. But I am an animal lover we have two cats and one dog. Sadly, my eldest cat, which was renamed Fat Cat by my little Ladybug, had to be put to rest. She had many ailments -- cancer and other things, and we finally had to say good-bye.

This cat holds a special place in my heart for many reasons: she was given to me by my old boyfriend's brother. You see, my boyfriend of 8 years died tragically in 1995. He was 24 years old. We were together ever since I was 16. We grew up together, and probably would have gotten married. A couple of years before he died, we inherited Fat Cat from his brother, who was moving around a lot at the time.

Saying good-bye to Fat Cat was like officially closing that chapter in my life, even though I have moved on and married, etc. She was the one thing left lingering from my past.

So Good-Bye, Fat Cat. And say hello to Freddie for me in heaven.

Back from Disney

We're back from Disney!

(woops, sorry I didn't mention that I was going away for awhile.)

Anyway, we had a great time and maybe I'll download a few pictures from our trip. I think we walked about 20 miles.

Gotta go unpack, and get settled into real life again. And I hope I don't eat another french fry for the rest of the year! What's up with the meal choices in these parks? Fried, fried, fried. It's hard to eat a balanced meal there. No wonder why this country has weight problems! And of course, I couldn't resist the temptation. Who doesn't like anything fried?

I gotta get settled and go grocery shopping for some healthy choices.